Author Archives: Joanne Soolman

When Family and Friends Lose Weight

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It’s the beginning of summer, and one theme in particular has been popping up a lot lately in my appointments with patients. It seems like everyone’s mother/uncle/friend from college/cousin has gone on a “weight loss journey” since the winter. As you might expect, witnessing your loved ones and/or friends and acquaintances engage in intentional weight loss can stir up a lot of feelings in those of us who are trying to embrace the bodies that we have. Research on intentional weight loss has found “almost complete relapse” after three to five years. Other data are more specific and suggest 90% to 95% of dieters regain all or most of the weight within five years, while other research has found that between one third and two thirds of people end up heavier than they were at baseline. It can be hard to watch others receive the praise and acceptance that often comes along with these “weight loss journeys.” It’s difficult to watch these folks gain more and more privilege while we remain in bodies that often put us at a disadvantage in our fatphobic society. So what are we supposed to do with all of these feelings?

First off, I try to remind my patients that their mother’s/uncle’s/friend’s/cousin’s bodies are not our business. I firmly believe in body autonomy, or as Ragen Chastain calls it, “The Underpants Rule.” In essence, what someone chooses to do with their body is up to them (as long as it is not harming others). Our family and friends will often make choices that we don’t agree with. And those of us who are trying to fight the near-constant onslaught of fatphobia we are fed on a daily basis feel strongly that these friends/family members are doing harm to themselves and perpetuating diet culture. But at the end of the day, we aren’t in charge of others’ bodies. Just like we wouldn’t want someone telling us how to live in our own bodies, we can’t police others.

That being said, I think there is nothing wrong with protecting oneself and setting boundaries around diet and weight loss talk. If you are active on social media and the friend/family member is an active poster of weight loss updates, befores and afters, or touting their new “healthy lifestyle,” it might be time to either snooze them for a short while or hide them from your timeline indefinitely. This can be done by clicking the “unfollow” button on someone’s Facebook profile or clicking the “mute” button on Instagram. By doing this, you are removing the element of surprise from seeing these things popping up on your timeline. It’s hard to look away or unsee some of these posts, so preventing them from appearing on your social media from the start can be helpful.

Another way that you can set a boundary is by being up front with the friend/family member about how their diet/weight loss talk is affecting you. Sometimes I will help my patients role play what they would like to say to the friend/family member who brings up their diet/weight loss. In these types of situations, I encourage patients to try to give their friend/family member the benefit of the doubt. That is, it is very unlikely that they are intentionally causing you harm or distress; they just are unaware of how this kind of talk can be triggering. Here’s an example of how these conversations can be broached: “Hey, I know that you aren’t intending to, but when you talk about your diet/lifestyle/weight loss journey with me, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I am happy that you are happy with what you are doing, but hearing about it is unhelpful for me as I’m working on accepting my body and letting go of diet culture.” If you are struggling with an eating disorder (and this person knows about it), it could be helpful to also say, “Part of my eating disorder recovery is not engaging in diet/weight loss talk as it can make my symptoms worse.”

If after these tactics, the message is still not getting through, it is within your right to limit your exposure to these individuals. This might mean doing shorter meet-ups rather than long, drawn-out hangouts, limiting your time spent at family gatherings, or getting together less often. If this is not an option, you can take space when you need to at these events, excusing yourself from the room or going for a walk by yourself, for example. I also highly recommend cultivating your own “anti-diet” community either online or in person if you are able to. There are many fat-positive folks all over the world, and it can feel less lonely when you are around those who “get it.” Instagram and Facebook can be helpful in finding these people and connecting with them.

At the end of the day, I hope that the one thing you will remember is that just because your
friend/family member is actively engaging in diet culture, you do not have to go that route. You deserve to embrace and live in the body you have, and you do not have to change it. Your body has never been the problem – our fatphobic culture is.

Being Your Own Advocate at the Doctor’s Office

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Going to the doctor has always been a fraught experience for me. As a child, I was consistently in the highest percentile for weight-for-height, and my pediatrician expressed concern from the get-go. He would talk to my mom about my weight in front of me, and it is probably one of my earliest experiences with the feeling of shame.

As the years went by, my experience with doctors didn’t improve. I would fear going to get check-ups, bracing myself for comments about my weight and how I would need to “do something about it.” Even on the occasions when I would go to the doctor having lost weight, I would be anxious and fearful that my doctor would congratulate me and tell me to “keep doing what you’re doing,” as that meant I would have to continue to restrict, over-exercise, and obsess about my weight.

When my PCP retired about six years ago, I made the conscious decision to try and find a weight-neutral doctor. A fellow non-diet dietitian recommended a concierge doctor as someone who did not push back when she was told that discussions of weight would be off the table. I met with this PCP and explained to her my concerns and my desire to be treated through a weight-neutral lens. While it was clear that she typically practiced from a weight-normative perspective, she said that she understood and would not push back on me regarding weight matters.

Despite having this conversation with her at the outset, I still felt anxiety and dread for my doctor’s appointments going forward. Even though I knew she would not bring up my weight in a negative way or push me to lose weight, the 35+ years of fatphobia I had experienced in the medical space up until then was not so easily erased. After many years of therapy, I’ve come to understand that all of those negative experiences I had with my doctors were traumatic events and that these types of experiences have led to my profound distrust and anxiety regarding physicians.

It wasn’t until about a year ago that I was able to find a doctor who expressly practices Health at Every Size®(HAES), and this has made a huge difference for me. The fact that she truly “gets it” and treats me as a whole person (i.e., not just a number on a scale) has greatly reduced my medical anxiety. I don’t hesitate to reach out to her with my health concerns as I know she will give me sound medical advice that is not tinged with weight stigma. In the event that I need to see a specialist, however, my old fears return, and I have to figure out a way to ensure that I get good medical care.

Many of my patients in larger bodies can relate to my feelings around going to the doctor. Most of them dread going to see doctors because they know that the topic of their weight will inevitably come up. In many cases, these patients have put off getting help for health concerns for fear that they will be weight-shamed. One of my patients struggled with indigestion for months before finally seeing her doctor only to find out she had multiple ulcers. Unfortunately, this experience is not unusual for fat patients. These kinds of instances are often noted as “noncompliance” in medical charts, further promoting the false idea that fat patients are to blame for their health issues when it is really weight stigma at play.

Over the years, I have worked with a number of patients on advocating for themselves in medical settings. In most cases, these strategies are successful, leading to the patient receiving respectful, weight-neutral care. I thought it could be helpful to share these strategies with our readers.

One strategy that has proven to be quite successful for my patients is reaching out to the new provider via email or the patient portal before their initial appointment. I have a template email that I recommend for my patients, but of course it’s best to tailor it to one’s own particular circumstances. In this initial message, I recommend telling the doctor that you are looking for weight-neutral care and providing examples of what that looks like. Some examples are not prescribing weight loss as a health intervention, not weighing the patient unless it is medically necessary (e.g., for proper dosage of certain medications), and not telling the patient the number if they do need to get weighed. In addition, it can be helpful to tell the physician that you have been practicing the concepts of HAES and intuitive eating and that you are happy to provide them with resources if they are interested in learning more.

Sometimes even if you have messaged your physician directly, that message does not get relayed to the rest of the medical staff. This can result in the staff being unaware of your no-weighing preference and lead to an uncomfortable situation at the first appointment. To lessen the chances of this happening, some of my patients have reached out to the medical office manager or the primary care nurse at the doctor’s practice ahead of time to specify that they do not want to be weighed at their appointments. You can also ask them to note it in your chart that you do not want to be weighed so that the staff is aware.

In the event that you are unable to reach the physician or medical office manager before your appointment, many of my patients have found it helpful to bring “Don’t Weigh Me” cards with them to their appointments. These cards were created by Ginny Jones, the founder of more-love.org, an online resource for parents who have kids with eating disorders. Ginny explains that in her own recovery from an eating disorder, getting weighed at the doctor’s office was always a major stressor for her. After investigating whether one needs to be weighed at every doctor’s appointment (hint: you don’t), she found that not being weighed at the doctor’s office greatly reduced her stress when going to these appointments. Ginny created small, wallet-friendly cards that you can use to facilitate the conversation with healthcare providers about not being weighed. Even if you don’t end up giving the card to your doctor, it can be helpful and empowering to look over it while in the waiting room prior to your appointment.

For some patients, even doing the above is not sufficient to allay their fears. In these cases, I recommend bringing a supportive family member or friend to the appointment as an ally. Ideally, this person should be someone who understands HAES and will help you advocate for yourself if you face weight stigma. Even if this person does not end up needing to intervene in any way, just having them next you can be an enormous help. When our bodies are flooded with anxiety, it’s often hard to remember all of the details relayed to us by our physician, so having someone there with you to take notes or ask follow-up questions is a helpful strategy.

Sometimes even doing all of the above does not work, and patients are still subjected to weight stigma at the doctor’s office. In these cases, I remind my patients that they have the right to find a different doctor who will respect their wishes regarding weight-neutral care. Though weight-neutral providers are few and far between, if you can find a fat-positive network in your area, often there will be a referral list of recommended providers (and ones to avoid). For instance, I am a member of the “Boston Area Fatties Meetup” Facebook group (a fat-positive group in Massachusetts), where members can ask for recommendations for fat-friendly doctors and other providers. This group also has an excel spreadsheet of fat-friendly providers in Massachusetts which can be searched by type of provider and location.

Currently, the Association for Size Diversity and Health (ASDAH) is working on compiling a list of fat-friendly providers into a database called the Health at Every Size® Provider Listing Project. According to the ASDAH website, they are working to create a better and more comprehensive listing of healthcare providers who are especially sensitive to the needs of marginalized groups including “Black people, trans people and superfat and larger people.” ASDAH has also provided a timeline of the different phases of this project, and currently (March 2023) they state that they will be launching their “new and improved” listing beta. We will be sure to keep you posted when the HAES Provider Listing is available for use.

Boundary Phrases for the Holidays

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It’s November, so that means that holiday season 2022 is in full swing. The last couple of years, due to the pandemic, we have not been to an in-person family Thanksgiving (the last one being Thanksgiving 2019). While it has been sad to not be able to be in close quarters with our families during the holidays, I also have to admit that at times, I felt relief at not being able to attend in-person Thanksgiving. Inevitably, talk about food/dieting/bodies comes up (especially when we spend Thanksgiving with my side of the family), and it often feels exhausting to try to navigate my way through these discussions. Five years ago, I wrote the Holiday Survival Guide edition of our newsletter, detailing some strategies for dealing with weight/food/diet talk that many of us encounter at these gatherings.

While much of what I wrote in that blog still rings true for me, I have had some more thoughts about how to make these types of holiday gatherings less fraught for my patients. Specifically, I have been thinking about how having your own “boundary phrases” at the ready could be key in helping you get through these tricky situations. And, given that we will be going to an in-person Thanksgiving this year thanks to our daughter finally getting vaccinated and us having boosters, I am sure that I will be putting these into practice for myself.

Boundary phrases are phrases that one can use to establish a boundary with a friend, family member, or acquaintance who has overstepped your comfort level. While boundary phrases can be used in many different situations and for many different reasons, I think having some that are specific to weight/food/diet comments at the ready could help my patients feel more confident at holiday gatherings. As such, I thought it made sense to put together a list of some of my favorite body boundary phrases that have worked for me and for some of my patients. As always, these might not work in every situation, but I’m hopeful that you will see one that feels like a good fit for you.

1. In response to someone making comments on your (or others’) bodies in a negative way.

“Yikes…commenting on other people’s bodies is really not OK!”

“Please don’t comment on my body again.”

2. In response to someone saying fatphobic things to you when they “only care about your health!”

“The only person I discuss my health status with is my doctor.”

“If you truly care about my health, then please also care about my mental health as commenting on my body is harmful.”

3. In response to someone telling a fat joke or making derogatory comments about fat people in general:

“Huh. That’s a really odd thing to say – I’m not sure why you shared it with me.”

“Could you explain to me why that was funny?”

“I hope you aren’t saying this to me because you think I agree.”

4. In response to someone making comments about what you are eating, specifically if they are trying to be “helpful” in identifying “fattening” foods you should avoid.

“Thanks, but I don’t need any diet/nutrition advice. I’m all set!”

“Yeah, I’m not interested in talking about food in those terms. So please don’t do it with me.”

5. In response to someone talking to you about their own diet/ food restrictions for changing their own body size.

“I’m working on making peace with my body currently, so I don’t think I’m the right person with whom to discuss these things.”

“Yeah, that diet sounds pretty difficult and unsatisfying. I’ll pass!”

Again, I know that these phrases might not work exactly for every fatphobic conversation or comment you might encounter at your holiday gatherings, but hopefully, one or two of them could be helpful in setting some clear boundaries with your friends and family members.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

Bee Bo Bumps

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It’s hard to believe it, but our daughter, Lorelai, turned four this month. They weren’t kidding when someone said, “The days are long, but the years go by fast!” Watching this little person grow and learn has been amazing, and I am constantly finding myself looking at her with a mixture of awe and adoration. It is the coolest thing to see how her brain starts to put things together, how she reacts to certain situations, and how she approaches pretty much every experience from a place of innocence and openness.

I was a fan of the author Sandra Boynton growing up, and I knew that I wanted to introduce Lorelai to her work early on. Luckily, I was able to find numerous board books that Boynton has created which have delightful pictures and silly and sweet words to go with them. One of our favorite books is called Belly Button Book! This delightfully colorful book follows a group of hippos that love their belly buttons and are happy to display them in any which way they can. The hippos make sure their belly buttons are front and center during the summer, showing them off at Belly Button Beach and singing the belly button song on warm summer nights. The youngest of the hippos calls the belly button a “Bee Bo!” and repeats this word throughout the book. Obviously, this book has become such a favorite in our house, and we have read it hundreds of times over the past four years.

As a result of reading this book over and over, Jonah and I started referring to our own belly buttons as “bee bos,” and Lorelai picked this up as well. Aside from the obvious adorableness factor, it’s been interesting to see how lovingly Lorelai looks at her own belly button and ours as well. Prior to having a child, I was reluctant to show my belly to others. I don’t remember ever owning a two-piece bathing suit, but I do remember being taught that having a round tummy was not okay. From a very early age, I figured out that flat bellies are better than round bellies, and if you don’t have a flat belly, you better keep it covered. Through my adolescence and much of my early adulthood, I was very self-conscious of my belly and would wear clothes that didn’t accentuate it in any way. To this day, my knee-jerk reaction to someone touching my belly is to flinch initially. But I’ve noticed a shift in my belly thoughts since having Lorelai.

One of Lorelai’s favorite things to do is stick out her stomach as far as she can as she admires her belly. She lovingly strokes it and tells me and/or Jonah to look at it. Of course, we “ooh” and “aah” and tell her how adorable her bee bo is. At some point, she wanted to see what our bee bos looked like as well, so we started showing them to her. At first, I felt some hesitation with doing this as it went against my “no bellies see daylight” mantra, but eventually, I was able to display my belly to her without issue. Lorelai loves touching her belly to our bellies and giving us “bee bo bumps,” and it always makes her giggle with glee.

Just watching her face light up and her absolute delight in her belly has been really eye-opening for me. I don’t ever want her to feel ashamed of her body. I want her to see her body as an amazing part of her. I want her to be able to appreciate the body she has and all that it can do. I also want her to be able to recognize that she is not her body, and that there is so much more to her than just her physical body. I am continuing to work on healing my own relationship with my body, and I really strive to show Lorelai that all bodies are good bodies; ergo, all bee bos are good bee bos. I aim to never speak ill of my body in her presence and to be kinder to myself, especially when I am having a bad body image day. I know that kids learn how to hate their bodies by watching their parents hate their own bodies, and I don’t want that to happen in our house. I just hope she can continue to find the wonder and beauty in her body and that it won’t be taken away from her as she gets older. So to that end I will continue to show my belly when Lorelai asks and to give her as many bee bo bumps as she desires.

My Fat Knee

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About a month ago, I hyperextended my right knee while lying in bed. As a result of this (and a history of knee problems that I’ve had for the past decade or so), I had a very bad flare-up of osteoarthritis. I wish that I could say that I had injured myself doing something much more fun or exciting, but I guess when you are in your 40s, this stuff starts happening to you. Interestingly, aside from the initial sharp pain and chronic aching that ensued for several weeks, I noticed that I had some other feelings as well. The usual feelings of sadness and frustration were present of course, but there was something else too: panic.

When I tried to think about why I might be feeling panic in this situation, I had to wade through a lot of things: history, past trauma, hurt, and fear. Since I have always been in a fat body (although at times it has been straight size through restriction and overexercise), I have had a troubled relationship with medical professionals. Starting from a very young age, I became aware that my larger body was something problematic and to be feared. I have very early memories of feeling ashamed of my body whenever I would be weighed at the pediatrician’s office. I remember my pediatrician warning my mother about my weight percentile on my growth charts, and in turn she would turn her concern into “let’s fix this” mode, keeping an eye on my eating and monitoring my portions. I remember being weighed in my kindergarten class, and everyone’s weights were listed next to their names on the chalkboard, so everyone knew where they “ranked” in body size. I was the heaviest girl, of course.

As I got older, my fraught relationship with medical professionals continued. When I entered my late teens, I switched over from my childhood pediatrician to a family physician who was also a family friend. At one point, I believe he treated at least four of my five nuclear family members. And every year, I would dread going to see him as I knew that my weight would be brought up as an issue.  Of course, there were a few years when I had lost weight that I looked forward to going to the doctor as I knew that I would receive praise and encouragement to keep going (never mind that what I was doing to lose the weight could qualify as an eating disorder). But even occasional weight loss didn’t stop me from feeling anxiety when going to the doctor. Because I knew that my body was still “wrong.”

When I found Health at Every Size (HAES), I felt like I could finally breathe for the first time. At last, here was a paradigm that welcomed my body and encouraged me to take good care of it, no matter what size I was. I stopped my periods of dieting and worked on improving my relationship with food and my body. I found a physician who is weight-inclusive and treats me as a whole entity, not just my weight. I learned how to advocate for myself in medical situations when my weight would be brought up as an issue. I have helped countless patients navigate their own troubled waters of medical weight stigma. I have been in therapy for many years and continue to work on these issues as they arise.

But despite all of this work I have done and continue to do, most medical situations result in that pit-in-my-stomach feeling. I flash back to the decades where I was taught that my ailments or injuries were due to my weight and that feeling of shame and embarrassment that would wash over my face when a doctor would give me the “weight lecture.” All of those years of hearing that my fat body was to blame for almost anything negative occurring to it sunk in deep and etched into my brain. So whenever I have a medical situation, whether it is slightly elevated cholesterol in my lipid panel, a knee injury, or sleep issues, my knee-jerk reaction is to brace for the inevitable “weight lecture.” Never mind that I have found the unicorn of PCPs who not only understands and practices through a HAES lens, but also lives in a larger body herself which makes her even more empathetic. I know that my PCP’s office is a safe space and that my fat body will be treated with care and respect.

And even with all of this knowledge, the past trauma that I have received around my body in medical settings is still present. It makes me sad and also makes me incredibly angry. I think about all of my patients who have been through similar experiences with their healthcare providers. I think about the fact that I hold a lot of privilege (being small-medium fat, white, cis gender, heterosexual, able-bodied, financially stable, etc.) and that those who don’t hold those privileges are treated as less than at best and are downright abused at worst in these medical settings.

It is really enough to make me feel very cynical and jaded about the medical profession as a whole, and as a result, I am hesitant to seek out medical care. But despite this, I know that the only way things are going to change in our medical system is if enough of us stand up and refuse to be treated this way. The more patients that I can help to advocate for themselves in medical settings, the more doctors I can try to educate about the harms of weight stigma, and the more that I can speak up in moments of witnessed weight stigma (along with racism, homophobia, and a plethora of other abuses), the more I feel I can somehow make a difference, even if it is just for one person.

“As long as you’re healthy . . .”

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“Health.” It’s a simple one-syllable word with a deceptively simple definition: “the state of being free from illness or injury.” What I have come to realize over the decade-plus that I have been practicing nutrition therapy as a registered dietitian is that health means many different things to different people. Health is not black or white, but a million shades of gray. But the wellness industry (diet culture’s shapeshifted cousin) would have us believe that health is not only easy to define and simple to identify, but also easy to achieve, if we just try hard enough. Well, sorry, it’s not that simple.

When I was a preteen, I remember feeling like my body was wrong, too big, taking up too much space. My mother and I would go to my pediatrician appointments, where my doctor would hem and haw about my weight. I had always trended on the 95th percentile on growth charts, and every year my pediatrician would comment on it in a concerned way. My mom would echo these concerns at home, gently reminding me that my doctor was worried for my health. When I would cry to my mom about being in a larger body than my peers, she would always come back to this statement: “You are a beautiful girl. We could make some changes to how you eat and exercise. I just want you to be healthy.”

“I just want you to be healthy.” These words ring in my ears as they have been spoken to me in different iterations throughout my life. From concerned college friends after I had gained a significant amount of weight during my freshman year (post diet, of course): “We are just worried about your health.” From my first adult PCP when I was 22 years old: “We just want to make sure you are healthy.” From my mom when I announced that I would be going on a low-carb diet at age 25: “as long as you’re healthy!”

Everyone seemed to say that my health was the most important thing and that being healthy meant being in a “healthy-looking” body. When I actively engaged in dieting, restricting, tracking every morsel, weighing myself multiple times a day, exercising even when I didn’t feel like it or was sick or injured, eschewing lunch outings with friends, losing my period – during these times, everyone marveled at how “healthy” I was. “It’s so nice to see that you are finally taking care of yourself!” my family would crow. “Keep going, get healthy!” my doctor cheered. Little did they know the personal hell I was living in. But at least I “looked” healthy. Or at least my body fit the social norm for what we collectively believe is healthy, i.e., it was no longer considered fat. But inevitably as the weight would come back on, the concerns for my health would resurface.

When I finally gave up on dieting and learned about Health at Every Size® and intuitive eating, I was ready to hear the message. At last, I didn’t need to micromanage my intake and output. I didn’t need to obsessively count and weigh and measure. I didn’t have to give lunch outings with friends a second thought. It was like a freedom I hadn’t felt since I was a child, before I was told that I had a body that was “wrong.” I began to realize that health is not one-size-fits-all and that it looks different for different people. With individuals who have chronic illnesses such as celiac disease or cystic fibrosis or those with physical disabilities such as paralysis or amputation, they would never be able to achieve a state of being “free from illness or injury.” How about the millions of people who deal with depression or anxiety? Are they unable to achieve health as well?

I feel that we need to change our beliefs and expectations around health. In my opinion, health is a multifaceted amorphous concept that is not always attainable. It is also something that changes during our lifespan for a multitude of reasons. Even if we engage in all of the “health-promoting behaviors” we have been told to do, there is no guarantee that we will be healthy. In addition, there is no moral requirement for us to engage in these behaviors. As the wise Ragen Chastain so eloquently states: “Health is not an obligation, a barometer of worthiness, completely within our control, or guaranteed.”

The wellness industry loves to prey on our fears of illness and death. It purports to give us the answers to living longer, healthier lives. All we need to do is buy their program, supplement, or detox, and we can unlock the secret to immortality. It’s a brilliant marketing scheme that swindles millions upon millions of people every year. What if we decided to care more about our mental health and wellbeing? What if we made healthcare accessible to everyone? What if we eradicated weight stigma from the medical field? What if we decided that health doesn’t look the same on every body and that this is okay? My guess is the wellness industry would lose billions of dollars. Worrying about and obsessing over our “health” is most definitely not good for us. I wonder when our society will figure this out.

An Open Letter to Daycares, Preschools, Nursery Schools, and Elementary Schools

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We so appreciate the care you take of our little ones. In fact, I am sure that most parents would agree being able to send our kiddos to daycare, preschool, and/or elementary school is a huge factor in maintaining our sanity. The way that you help our children learn, grow, and adapt is amazing, and we are grateful for you. Having said all this, we need to talk about the policing of our kids’ food in school.

Lately, I have begun hearing more and more from parents whose kids are being sent back home with notes about their packed lunch. One parent received a phone call from a daycare saying that they were not going to give her daughter the 10 M&Ms that she had packed in her daughter’s lunchbox because they were “unhealthy.” Keep in mind, this mom had the forethought to pack in her daughter’s lunch The Feeding Doctor’s lunch box card stating that she did not want the staff to interfere with her daughter’s eating of lunch and that her daughter is allowed to eat any or all (or none) of the foods packed in the lunch in any order she wants. The staff overruled these directions and said that candy is “frowned upon” in their program.

Listen, I get it. In our fatphobic, diet culture world, we’ve been taught that sugar is the enemy. That if we give it to our kids, they will turn into sweets-addicted, hyperactive lunatics who will be out of control, that their bodies will balloon up like Violet Beauregarde in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, and that their teeth will fall out due to cavities. As a registered dietitian who has a Master of Science in Nutrition and Health Promotion with over a decade of experience in the dietetic field, I’m here to tell you that all of this is false.

Kids are naturally born intuitive eaters. Newborn babies cry when they are hungry and drink breastmilk (or formula) provided by their caregivers until they are satiated. They are perfectly in tune with their bodies’ cues and eat in response to them.  As babies grow and they start eating solids, they continue to eat intuitively. If you’ve ever tried to get a baby to eat anything they don’t want to eat (I’m looking at you, strained peas.), you know they just won’t have it. As kids reach toddlerhood, often their eating habits become erratic. Some days, it seems like my daughter barely eats anything, but on other days, she appears to eat more than a grown adult. Despite this seeming chaos, our kids’ bodies know what they are doing. While meals might seem hit-or-miss during one day, it’s best to look at our kids’ eating over a period of days as things will usually average out.   

Kids usually remain intuitive eaters until the adults in their lives start interfering with their food. Whether it be pressuring kids to take “one more bite” at dinner even if they are no longer hungry, limiting their access to sweets and other highly palatable foods because they are “unhealthy”, or expressing concern about their eating “too much,” parents and other adults can really throw a monkey wrench into their kids’ relationship with food.  Many parents worry about their kids gravitating towards foods that are high in fat, sugar, and/or salt because they themselves have a complicated relationship with those foods. In reality, if we relax around these foods and include them regularly with more “nutrient-dense” foods, we can neutralize them and take the “shine” off of them as well. In my work with kids and families, it’s the kids who are the most restricted around highly palatable foods that end up bingeing on them when they get the chance, sneak eating them in their room, or being hyperfixated on them at their friends’ houses. If we teach our kids that food has no moral value (i.e., eating vegetables doesn’t make you a “good” person and cookies aren’t the devil’s food), they will be able to make choices about what and how much to eat based on their internal hunger and fullness cues.

In addition to being natural-born intuitive eaters, young kids have very binary thinking. That is, when we present them with the idea that there are “good” foods and “bad” foods, they take this information quite literally and are unable to see the gray. So many children feel guilt or shame for enjoying “bad” foods because they feel like they are bad for eating them. This is setting our kids up to have a very charged emotional experience around these foods which can continue on into adulthood for many of them.  If we teach kids that all foods fit and that the most important thing is getting a good variety of all sorts of foods, we can help foster their relationship with food and their bodies.

Another thing to consider is the concept of helping our kids become “competent eaters.” Coined by child feeding therapist and dietitian Ellyn Satter, competent eaters are those who eat in accordance with their hunger and fullness cues while taking into consideration their bodies’ needs and preferences. Parents’ (and caregivers’) role in this process is to be in charge of certain aspects of meals and snacks. Satter’s Division of Responsibility further clarifies that parents are in charge of what food is being served, when and where this food is offered. Meanwhile, kids are responsible for whether they choose to eat the food provided and how much they want to eat of said food. Ideally, parents offer their kids a variety of foods, including both highly palatable foods and foods that are more nutrient dense, and then let their kids eat in accordance with their bodies. This model posits that interfering with kids’ eating by cajoling them to eat more vegetables, discouraging them from eating other foods, or even praising them for eating more nutrient-dense foods will lead to power struggles at the dinner table.

So what can we adults do to help our kids develop a healthy relationship with food and their bodies? Here are some strategies:

  1. Avoid categorizing some foods as “junk” or “bad” and others as “good” or “healthy.” Food is just food and does not have moral value. Food is only “bad” if you are allergic to it or it is rotten or spoiled.
  2. Parents need to provide a wide variety of foods to their kids, including regular access to highly palatable foods in order to take these foods off the pedestal and make them morally equivalent to more nutrient-dense foods.
  3. Caregivers at school should refrain from pressuring kids to eat certain parts of their lunch before letting them eat other parts (e.g., “You need to finish your sandwich before you can have your cookies.”) If a child wants to eat their cookies first, please let them.
  4. Caregivers at school should also avoid confiscating food from kids’ lunchboxes unless those foods are an allergy or choking risk. If the parents packed the lunch, please respect that they know how to feed their kids.  
  5. Finally, school caregivers, please be mindful about sharing your own food anxiety with kids. Kids should not be hearing about your latest diet or how you don’t allow yourself to eat X, Y, or Z. Children are like sponges and absorb all of this information.

Again, thank you for everything you do for our little ones. We are so grateful to have you in our kids’ lives. Let’s help our children develop a healthy relationship with food and their bodies by setting a good example and not letting diet culture into the classroom.  

Reentry

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It’s hard to believe that we have been living in this pandemic for over a year. In some ways, it feels like the year flew by, but in other ways, it feels like 10 years have passed. Jonah and I have been lucky that we have been able to continue seeing patients remotely during this time. And we are fortunate that no one in our immediate family has gotten COVID. We’ve spent the past year plus ordering our groceries online to avoid going to the store, drastically cutting back on getting together with friends, and playing little to no tennis (only outdoors). Our daughter, who is nearly three years old, has not had that much disruption in her life, unlike school-age kiddos. While we had planned to put her into a nursery school in March of last year, we decided to hold off until we felt it was safe. Our tentative plans are to send her to preschool in the fall. Aside from having to wear masks outside, she has been blissfully ignorant of the pandemic.

Jonah and I were also lucky in the fact that we were able to get our COVID vaccinations back in February because we are healthcare providers. This has been a huge relief, although it hasn’t changed our behavior that much. We still get most of our groceries delivered, aren’t eating indoors at any restaurants, and are limiting our socializing to outdoors. But we know that as the summer approaches, things will likely start to loosen up. More and more people will become vaccinated, outdoor activities will be more prevalent, and we will have more opportunities to socialize with friends and family.

While part of me is excited to start getting back to “normal,” I also have some anxiety about it. Like many people, I know that my body has changed over the past year. My pants are fitting a bit snugger, and my body just feels different. I’ve had to buy some new clothes to accommodate the changes, which has felt hard. And sometimes I feel my internalized fatphobia bubble to the surface. I worry what people will think of me when they see my larger body. I worry that others will judge me for weight gain over the past year. I worry that I won’t be good at playing tennis anymore. I worry that this body won’t be able to do the things it was able to do previously. I worry that I won’t be able to fit into different spaces.

I know that I am not alone in this anxiety around resurfacing post pandemic. Many of my patients have experienced changes in their bodies over the past year. We have all gotten used to seeing our friends, family, and co-workers via computer, with our views limited to the shoulders and up. It’s been a while since we have been fully visible to people other than family. In some ways, it has been nice not to worry about how our body might look to others. I know that I have seriously gotten used to wearing leggings and sweatpants to work every day, and it will be difficult to go back to office attire once we start seeing patients in person again! Telehealth has also made it easier for me to really focus on my patients, rather than being distracted by my own body.

One thing that I also have had to remind myself about is stress and its effects on weight. Our bodies are unbelievably smart, and when they are under stress (whether being chased by a sabretooth tiger or, you know, dealing with the uncertainty and fear of a pandemic), certain chemical processes are put in motion. One of these chemical processes is an increase in the stress hormone cortisol. When we are stressed, our adrenal glands release adrenaline and cortisol. Cortisol kicks off a release of glucose (our bodies’ primary source of energy) into the bloodstream in order to provide us more energy as part of the “fight or flight” response to dangerous situations. Increased levels of cortisol also cause an uptick in insulin levels, which results in our blood sugar dropping. As a result of this drop, we tend to find ourselves gravitating towards more energy-dense foods (i.e., foods high in carbohydrates and fat). This process also slows down our metabolism and increases our propensity to store fat in preparation for the next threat. All of these mechanisms have been in place in the human body since the beginning of time as a way of helping us survive. So it should be no surprise that many people have experienced weight gain over the past year as a result of living through an unprecedented pandemic. It’s our bodies’ way of trying to survive.

When I find myself perseverating on my body changing, I try to remind myself to breathe. Bodies change. That is what they do. Our bodies will change throughout our lifespan. It doesn’t need to signify something negative. My body has gotten me through this past year – it has survived a freakin’ pandemic! That, in and of itself, is an amazing feat. My body changed for myriad reasons, many of which I don’t know. Maybe it was ordering more takeout, playing less tennis, not leaving the house as much, feeling more stressed and anxious, or maybe it is just plain old middle age. In the end, it doesn’t matter. There doesn’t need to be a reason for my body changing, and there really isn’t anything I can (or should) do about it. I will continue to take care of myself and my body the best ways I know how, to give myself some compassion around reentering the world and remember that this amazing body has gotten me this far. I hope that your reentries go well too.

Exercise Checklist

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Exercise. The word alone carries a lot of meaning for many of my patients. For some of them, exercise is something that feels compulsive, that if they did not do it every day, they would feel panic. For other patients, exercise brings up old memories from childhood, such as when their parents forced them to exercise. One patient told me that when she was just eight years old, her father made her go for a run every weekday for 30 minutes to “help” her lose weight and be “healthy.” Not surprisingly, this patient has an utter hatred for running now. The word “exercise” itself can be triggering for some people as it feels intrinsically linked to diet culture. As we all know (insert sarcasm), exercise is “good for you” and therefore the more the better. “No pain, no gain” is another message that diet culture tells us about exercise. In other words, if it doesn’t hurt, you aren’t doing it right.

In my work with patients who struggle with compulsive dieting, disordered eating, and eating disorders, the question of exercise often will come up after much progress has been made with eating. A great number of my patients feel afraid to start exercising again for fear that they will get sucked back into diet culture. These patients worry that they will not be able to view exercise as something enjoyable and not required. They have concerns that their old thoughts about weight loss will start popping up again as they have associated exercise with changing their body. Some feel just completely overwhelmed at the idea of moving their body in a way that feels good because they had been so used to suffering through boring, pain-inducing workouts. And still other patients are at a loss as to what physical activity they actually enjoy.

One tool that many of my patients have found helpful is a “checklist.” It is a list of questions to consider before engaging in physical activity. The goal of this list is to help the patient check in with their body and decide whether or not they want to be physically active, and if so, what kind of activity would they like to engage in. Here is a basic checklist:

  • Am I injured or sick? If the answer is yes, then it is likely that you should be resting and not pushing yourself to be active.
  • Have I eaten enough in order to do this physical activity? Am I hungry right now? If you have not been consistently feeding yourself, exercising would be contraindicated as doing so could put a lot of stress on the body. If you are hungry, then you should eat.
  • Am I well-rested? If not, you might be too tired to be physically active right now. Perhaps your body needs a nap.
  • What am I looking to get out of this physical activity? Different forms of exercise can help our body improve endurance, strength, or flexibility. And sometimes physical activity can boost one’s mood via stress relief.
  • Do I feel like I have to do this physical activity in order to deserve food today? If you feel the answer is yes, try to reframe this thought. You deserve to eat no matter how much or how little you exercise. You do not have to “burn it to earn it.”
  • Am I using this activity as a way to try to lose weight or change how my body looks? Again, if the answer is yes, then some body image work could be indicated. Instead of asking yourself “how will this activity change my body?” try asking yourself “how will this activity make my body feel?”
  • What kind of activity would I like to engage in right now? Do I want something high intensity like spinning, something low impact like walking, or something very relaxing like yoga nidra?
  • If I don’t feel like moving my body right now, what else can I do? Maybe taking a nap or talking to a friend would feel best right now.

The checklist looks different for each patient, but at its core, it is about checking in with your body and trying to listen to what it is telling you. The more that we can practice checking in with our body around its needs – including but not limited to food, physical activity, sleep, and stress relief – we will be able to develop and foster body trust.

“Food Addiction”

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As we make our way into the fall season, it is inevitable that the topic of sweets at Halloween starts coming up with our patients. Many of our patients have a love/hate relationship with Halloween, starting when they were kids. Most remember being restricted around candy by their parents and have vivid memories of having limited access to their haul or sometimes no access at all. One recalls when her parents actually paid her $50 in exchange for her giving up all of the candy she had gathered. Another remembers sneaking her candy bag into her bedroom and eating chocolate in her closet so her mom wouldn’t see. Most of these individuals grew up feeling like they were addicted to sugar or food in general and that they could not be trusted to be around these foods.

Diet culture would have us believe that sugar/food addiction is a real phenomenon and that it is the reason for our “obesity epidemic.” Countless diet gurus and programs are dedicated to helping their clients “break the sugar habit” and cure themselves of their addiction to food. The food addiction model claims that certain foods light up the pleasure centers of the brain, which means that these foods elicit a pleasure response similar to that of drugs and alcohol. Other things that light up the pleasure centers of our brain: hugging a loved one, laughing at a funny joke, breastfeeding and/or holding your baby, listening to music you enjoy, and falling in love.

The only reason the food addiction model has been posited is because of fatphobia. Are we concerned with laughing addiction or hugging addiction? No. It’s only because people who feel that they are addicted to food are likely engaging in a lot of physical and/or mental restriction to try and control their weight. If being or becoming fat was not vilified like it is in our diet culture, people would not be restricting themselves and thereby would not feel out of control with these foods. Restriction begets bingeing.

Most studies that have been done on food addiction have been performed on mice. Interestingly, most of these studies found that the mice that were restricted from the highly palatable rewards foods and were presented these rewards at intermittent intervals were much more likely to overeat at these times. Similarly, other studies have shown that when humans are deprived of certain highly palatable foods (foods high in sugar, salt and fat), they have a heightened brain response to those foods when they see them. This means that those “forbidden” foods become much more appealing and attractive to the restrained eater than the non-restrained eater. None of the food addiction research currently controls for deprivation, meaning that they don’t measure if the subjects are currently dieting or have dieted in the past before conducting their studies.

The abstinence model of substance addiction is considered the gold standard right now. But unlike drugs and alcohol, one cannot simply abstain from food. There is a biological reason why food lights up the reward pathways in our brain – survival instinct! This causes us to seek out food when our bodies need it, which is necessary in order for our species to survive. On the other hand, we could live our lives without consuming any recreational drugs or alcohol and survive just fine.

All of this is to say that many people feel like they are addicted to food. What I would argue is that the behavior of eating might feel like an addictive or compulsive one, but that food in and of itself is not an addictive substance. So what should we do about kids and candy? My advice is to make candy (and other highly palatable foods) available on a regular basis in your home – add them to meals (i.e., have them be part of the actual meal), let them be the afternoon snack here and there. And don’t refer to these foods as “treats” or “junk” as this immediately makes them that much more appealing and also much more likely that your kids will sneak and overeat these foods when they are available. By including these foods regularly, they will lose their “shine,” and when holidays like Halloween or Christmas or Easter roll around, the magnetic pull to these foods will be markedly diminished.