Nearly 25 years ago, I bought a bag of Whole Foods semi-sweet chocolate chips that had a cookie recipe on the back. The purchase came at a time of transitions in my life, as I had just left the metropolitan area that had been home for my entire life and relocated to the countryside, a move that necessitated quitting my job without knowing what the next step in my career would entail. Anxious and with time on my hands, I filled the gaps in between job searches and informational interviews with tennis, volunteer work, marathon training, GRE studying, and baking – especially the aforementioned cookie recipe, which I cut out, saved, and committed to memory.
At this point in my life, I was also still dealing with what I understand in hindsight was PTSD related to my first back surgery, and I was very worried about my health. Pretty quickly, I began to alter this recipe by substituting ingredients that I believed made the cookies “healthier.” What began as small tweaks grew to radical warps. White flour was out, whole wheat flour was in. Nuts and dried fruit replaced the chocolate chips. Olive oil and brown rice syrup stood in for butter and sugar, respectively. Sometimes I ground up flax seeds and threw those in as well.
While I fooled myself – temporarily, at least – into believing I was still baking cookies, the reality was that I was essentially making pancakes but calling them by a false name. Nothing against pancakes, but they are not going to hit the spot if what one really wants are cookies. Since each, umm, “cookie” provided minimal satisfaction, I would eat a bunch of them at once in an effort to make up for diminished quality with quantity. Those of you experienced with diet foods can probably relate to the state of feeling overly full yet insufficiently satisfied.
My next career move ended up being a return to school to study nutrition, and some of my early courses reinforced that my recipe substitutions were on the right track. However, nutrition education comes with an unexpected twist. The basic courses oversimplify complex topics and present a fictitious level of certainty. Only later do students discover that the early lessons were not quite accurate, that the truth is murkier, more nuanced, and riddled with outstanding questions. This is why some people who only learn the basics know less than they realize.
As I progressed through my schooling, I came to appreciate that good health is never guaranteed no matter what, when, or how much one eats. Whatever cookie ingredients I use are small drops in the ocean of the myriad of factors, only some of which are in my control, that determine my health. Besides, who was I kidding, whole wheat olive oil “cookies” taste gross. So I stopped baking them.
While I continued to make recipe substitutions, the tweaks I was making by the end of nutrition school were entirely different than the ones I was making at the beginning. For example, I could turn them into double chocolate cookies by slightly reducing the volume of flour and adding some cocoa. Through experimentation, I discovered that Cadbury Mini Eggs are great in place of chocolate chips, but candy corns are not because they liquefy in the oven..
My relationship with the cookies is so different now than it once was. Because they hit the spot, I feel satisfied with less, so I can eat two or three, enjoy them, and get on with my day, as opposed to eating a whole batch of the pancake versions and still feeling like I am searching for something. Because they actually taste good, I can share them with other people. Shortly after Joanne and I began dating, I endeared myself to her by leaving some cookies in her vestibule while she was home sick. Whenever a new family moves into our neighborhood, I greet them with cookies. Imagine the impression I would make if I brought them the pancake version instead.
Most importantly to me, I bake the cookies for and with our daughter, who I hope is learning that one does not need to alter cookies beyond recognition in order for them to be acceptable. Cookies – real, authentic, unapologetic cookies – are welcome just the way they are.
